The Bone Man Read online

  PRAISE FOR WOLF HAAS

  AND BRENNER AND GOD

  “Brenner and God is one of the cleverest—and most thoroughly enjoyable—mysteries that I’ve read in a long time. Wolf Haas is the real deal, and his arrival on the American book scene is long overdue.”

  —CARL HIAASEN, AUTHOR OF SICK PUPPY

  “Simon Brenner, the hero of Wolf Haas’ marvelous series of crime thrillers, is a wildly likable and original character—a delightful and unexpected hero to show up in this noble and enduring genre. That Brenner struggles his way—always humanistically, often humorously—through Haas’ acutely suspenseful narratives without the aid of a firearm, armed only with his smarts and sometimes fallible intuition, is a monumental plus.”

  —JONATHAN DEMME, OSCAR-WINNING DIRECTOR OF THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

  “A must for crime fiction lovers with a sense of humor: In Simon Brenner, Wolf Haas has created a protagonist so real and believable that I sometimes wanted to tap him on the shoulder and point him in the right direction!”

  —ANDREY KURKOV, AUTHOR OF DEATH AND THE PENGUIN

  “Drolly told by an unidentified yet surprisingly reliable narrator, Brenner and God is very funny, leavened throughout with a finely honed sense of the absurd.”

  —LISA BRACKMANN, NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF ROCK PAPER TIGER AND GETAWAY

  “This quirkily funny kidnapping caper marks the first appearance in English of underdog sleuth Simon Brenner.… Austrian author Haas brings a wry sense of humor.… American readers will look forward to seeing more of Herr Simon.”

  —PUBLISHERS WEEKLY

  “Brenner and God is a humdinger … a sockdollager of an action yarn, revealed through the smart-ass, self-effacing narrative voice that’s a trademark of author Wolf Haas.”

  —THE AUSTIN CHRONICLE

  “A superb translation of one of Austria’s finest crime novels … Haas never loses the thread of investigation, even as he introduces off-beat characters and a very complex plot … This is the first of the Brenner novels in English. We can only hope for more, soon.”

  —THE GLOBE AND MAIL

  “One of the most thoroughly likeable characters I’ve come across in a very long while … a meticulously plotted, dark, and often very funny ride.”

  —THE MILLIONS

  “Even as Haas darkens the mood of this sly and entertaining novel, he maintains its sardonically irreverent tone.”

  —BARNES & NOBLE REVIEW

  “Simon Brenner has been brilliantly brought to life by Mr. Haas’ subtle yet masterful prose, with just the right balance of dark humor … Mr. Haas may not yet be a household name, this side of the Atlantic, but all that is about to change.”

  —NEW YORK JOURNAL OF BOOKS

  “A pacey and gripping read.”

  —EURO CRIME

  “Will have readers in stitches … sublimely absurd and completely captivating.”

  —CRIMETIME

  “A gleaming gem of a novel.”

  —CRIMESPREE MAGAZINE

  “The reader gets a double benefit: a story that is engaging and has a rapid momentum and a narrative voice that is darkly comic … My long wait for the Brenner books was delightfully fulfilled.”

  —INTERNATIONAL NOIR FICTION

  “From the insanely talented and clever Wolf Haas … A satirical and cynical criticism of Austrian and German society is very much a part of the plot, just as Chandler, Hammett and the other great American hard-boiled writers had an indictment of our society at heart.”

  —THE DIRTY LOWDOWN

  “One of Germany’s most loved thriller writers: he’s celebrated by the literary critics and venerated by the readers.”

  —DER SPIEGEL

  “This is great art, great fun.”

  —GERMANY RADIO

  “He is highly entertaining … It’s as if he sits on Mount Everest looking down at other thriller writers.”

  —FRANKFURTER RUNDSCHAU

  THE BONE MAN

  Originally published in German as Der Knochenmann by Wolf Haas

  © 1997 Rowohlt Taschenbuch Verlag, Hamburg

  Translation © 2012 Annie Janusch

  Lyrics on this page–this page are from “Die Alten Rittersleut,” by Kurt Valentin

  Melville House Publishing

  145 Plymouth Street

  Brooklyn, NY 11201

  www.mhpbooks.com

  eISBN: 978-1-61219-170-6

  A catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress.

  v3.1

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Melville International Crime

  CHAPTER 1

  Well, something’s happened again.

  Spring’s a glorious time of year, though—poems and all that. And everybody knows, it’s in springtime that life awakens. That’s why nobody wanted to believe it at first when suddenly it was the other way around.

  Times change, though. What we would’ve given in the end if it’d only been as bad as it’d looked in the beginning. And that was only three weeks later—still spring. And then the summer—ruined by rain, you can forget about July—but a first-rate spring.

  And if you’d seen Brenner sitting there at the Löschenkohl Grill, you would’ve been hard-pressed to guess what had dragged him down there. You might’ve even mistaken him for a day-tripper, taking advantage of the spring day for a jaunt into East Styria.

  And it would’ve been wiser for him to take a day-trip through Styria’s sleepy vineyard towns. Enjoy the countryside a little, taste a little wine, eat a little fried chicken—and suddenly you’re feeling like all’s just a little bit well in the world still.

  Never in all my days will I understand how a thing like that could happen in a place like this.

  The spring wields such power, though—a person can’t not feel nature. And you could be wading knee-deep in blood when, all of a sudden, it’s love you’re thinking about. Now, Brenner may have been at the Löschenkohl Grill waiting for his food, but in his thoughts he was someplace else entirely. He was checking how long it’d been since his fiancée had run off. Believe it or not: twelve and a half years.

  It wasn’t just spring that had him thinking like this, though. No, whenever Brenner ate fried chicken, he’d automatically think of Fini. Her name was actually Josefine—needless to say, everyone called her Fini.

  And you’d be hard pressed to find a person who liked to eat fried chicken as much as Fini did. Because she’d eat two, three chickens every week—practically addicted. And to watch Fini gnaw the bones clean, that was a real pleasure. Cannibals, no match. So, when Brenner walked into Löschenkohl’s dining room, Fini came to mind, of course. Because Löschenkohl’s is the kind of chicken place that—if you can imagine a furniture showroom or those garages where they park the jumbo jets. And the entire airplane garage is full of people eating fried chicken.

  But then Brenner got interrupted and couldn’t give Fini another thought. And besides, he shouldn’t have been thinking about her for all that long anyway, because one thing you can’t forget: only engaged two weeks. And so there wasn’t all that much for him to remember, except for her incessant chicken-eating, and her huge rack, of course. Fini had said it was on account of the chickens being fed so many hormones.

  But enough about Fini, because old man Löschenkohl himself was bringing Brenner his fried chicken
, and you’re going to be wondering why old man Löschenkohl would personally serve Brenner his fried chicken. Pay attention, though, because this is interesting: Löschenkohl offers his hand to Brenner and says: “Löschenkohl.”

  And Brenner lifts his rear half a millimeter off the wooden bench and says: “Brenner.”

  Old man Löschenkohl took a seat at Brenner’s table. But these days, of course, when two people are sitting together and each is waiting for the other to say something, well, conversation’s a little tricky.

  “Dig in,” Löschenkohl went on, and then they sat next to each other in silence until Brenner had finished the first piece of chicken.

  And one thing you can’t forget. There are four pieces in a Löschenkohl chicken, and even if you eat just two of them, you’re going to bust a gut. That’s why when you ask for the check, the waitress automatically brings you some aluminum foil, so that later on at home you’ve got yourself a decent snack, which is why Löschenkohl’s is known throughout Styria—well, until you get to Graz. Even the Viennese come down on the weekends when they don’t know how to fill up their greedy children anymore.

  So, you’ve got Brenner with his half a chicken and his beer, and by contrast old man Löschenkohl with his wee glass of Löschenkohl’s house wine—because he’s got his own vineyard out back behind the place. And Brenner’s just waiting to see if old man Löschenkohl doesn’t have something to say for himself now.

  But old man Löschenkohl didn’t say a word and just silently watched his guest pick the bones clean. The old man’s cheeks had turned purple—you could count every last vein—and he breathed about as heavily as an old mail truck. When Brenner had finished the first piece and placed the bones in the bone dish, his host asked: “What do you think?”

  Now, did he mean the chicken, or did he mean would Brenner take the job? Because it was the kind of job, of course, that you have to think about three times before you take it. But Brenner couldn’t say yes one way or another because the chicken was covered in a batter that was a centimeter thick and tasted like any number of things, just not like chicken.

  “No wonder you’re famous throughout these parts,” Brenner said.

  “A little less famous wouldn’t hurt.”

  Löschenkohl was so tall that even seated he was still half a head taller than Brenner. There are so many tall people nowadays, and it wasn’t unusual for Brenner to have to look up to the younger folks. People didn’t used to be this tall, though. And now Brenner was reminded of how, when he was in the police academy, they took a field trip once to a castle—everything magnificent, but the lord’s bed had been no larger than a child’s.

  Maybe it only occurred to him now because old man Löschenkohl had a certain something about him—I don’t want to say “regal,” but a dignified old chicken king, sure.

  “Why do you want to stir up old history?” Brenner said, even though one really shouldn’t speak with one’s mouth full.

  “We want the matter cleared up once and for all.”

  “But business is still good?”

  “Business, yes.”

  “How many chickens do you sell in a week?”

  “Ten thousand in a good week, five thousand in a bad week.”

  “And so you’ve got a problem with the bones?”

  “No, no. We don’t have a problem with them anymore.”

  “But you did.”

  “Back then, sure. By the time it became an issue, we had a problem with the bones. We paid the price, though.”

  “How many bones is that, then, with ten thousand chickens?”

  “Mm, let’s say forty percent bones. Let’s say: four tons in a good week.”

  “So, almost a ton a day.”

  “In a good week.”

  “And so the bones got out of hand?”

  “Back then they did. The business grew too quickly—each year we had to expand to keep from getting devoured by taxes. Needless to say, the bones got out of hand.”

  “And now?”

  “We’ve had a new bone-grinder in the basement for some time now. It’s not a problem anymore.”

  “But you had a bone-grinder back then, too?”

  “Yes, but it was much too small. Because while the business might’ve grown and grown, the bone-grinder didn’t grow with it.”

  Brenner was having a tougher time with his breaded chicken breast now, because the fat had started to run—not for vegetarians, let it be said.

  “And who was working the bone-grinder back then?”

  “The Yugo.”

  “And it was the Yugo who noticed the bigger bones mixed in with the chicken bones?”

  “No, no, the Yugo didn’t notice anything. Because we don’t just do chicken. We have all sorts of things. A ham hock’s just as big, so the Yugo didn’t notice anything.”

  “So who noticed it, then?”

  “Well, the health inspectors came. Because we couldn’t keep up with the bones anymore. Every day we were getting more and more customers, and every day more bones, of course, and every day the Yugo fell farther behind on the bone-grinding. Now, of course, so that it doesn’t stink as much, we keep the bones in the walk-in freezer. Needless to say, the health inspectors went into the freezer.”

  “So they were the ones who made the discovery?”

  “What do you mean, ‘discovery’? Once you let the health inspectors in, they’re always going to find something. They make you think you’re some kind of criminal just because you own a chicken joint.”

  Brenner launched into the breaded drumstick, because when the owner’s sitting at your table, you can’t very well leave half a chicken on your plate.

  “Grill,” the old man corrected himself. “We’ve got everything, pork and so on. Ninety percent chicken, of course. But all that about the chicken bones didn’t have to become such a big deal. We went and bought the Yugo a new bone-grinder—a modern one, ten times the capacity, and the Yugo only has to push a button, that’s it. Pick it up with your hand.”

  Now, that would be referring to Brenner’s chicken. Because Löschenkohl saw that he was cutting painstakingly around the chicken bones.

  “A real poultry eater uses his hands,” old man Löschenkohl said. But Brenner wasn’t much of a poultry eater, per se, and he would have preferred to eat the greasy chicken leg off the plate. His host wasn’t having it, though: “Even in the finest establishments you’re allowed to eat a chicken with your hands.”

  Before the old man could go any further, Brenner picked up the chicken and said: “And then what?”

  “Then, the matter with the human bones, of course.”

  “That’s what the health inspectors filed a complaint about?”

  “What do you mean, ‘health inspectors’? The police were called in immediately.”

  “Mhm.”

  “Whoever did it wasn’t stupid, mixing the body in with our bone pile. Because, just between the two of us, it was more like Bone Mountain back then, what with the Yugo only having the small grinder.”

  “But it was found out nonetheless.”

  “Nothing’s been found out, nothing at all. To this day, the police haven’t found anything. Not even who the bones belonged to. The health inspectors, they’re competent, they’ll always find something. But the police, they didn’t find half of what the health inspectors did.”

  With every bite now the chicken was tasting better and better to Brenner. Required some getting used to at first, but then, nice and crispy, that’s the main thing. Because Brenner wasn’t exactly a gourmand, either. But then, in the middle of the drumstick, he simply had to give up. And the third and fourth pieces—don’t even think about it.

  “What, you don’t like it?” the old man asked, hurt. But you could tell right away that it was only mock-hurt. Because, these days, when a restaurateur has portions so big that his guests can’t finish them, needless to say, he’s proud.

  “Too much,” Brenner gasped.

  “I won’t bring you
any aluminum foil. You’ll get a fresh one this evening,” old man Löschenkohl said. “You’re staying with us, of course.”

  Now, this was going a little too fast for Brenner. He hadn’t even met the manager yet, who’d called him so desperately the day before.

  “I’ll need to speak with the manager first.”

  “With the manager?” Löschenkohl asked, as if he’d never heard of a manager before.

  “She’s the one who called me.”

  “Ah, my daughter-in-law, you mean. Yes, you’ll be needing to talk with her, too. I’ll go get her for you.”

  The old man stood up and took Brenner’s half-finished plate with him to the kitchen.

  But the manager wasn’t there just then.

  CHAPTER 2

  You can wake Brenner up in the middle of the night and ask him who won the 1976 Olympic Downhill, and he’ll know. Because that was his first year on the police force, and on the day of the Olympic Downhill, he had to break into a hotel staffer’s room. There was a street-level lobby that took you from the main road that runs through the town of Hallein directly to the staffer’s room. More like a laundry room, where the waiter from the Kino Bar had been put up.

  A few people were standing in front of an electronics store on the other side of the street because the Olympic Downhill event was being broadcast on the color TV screens in the window display. And maybe that’s why Brenner and his colleague didn’t get the door open for so long, because they kept looking over at the Olympic coverage.

  Even now, Brenner could still remember how his colleague had once torn his uniform jacket on a piece of sheet metal. Then, a few years later, he ordered a Filipina from a catalog who only weighed forty kilos. Brenner didn’t know his name anymore. But the stench that they were met with when they finally got the door open—never in his life would he forget that. Even though the waiter from the Kino Bar had only been dead two days. And outside, people were celebrating, because the Austrian had finished with the best time, unbelievable, how a couple of people can make that kind of commotion.